Sometimes I feel loved, and other times I know I am, but I can’t feel it. I can’t feel love, and when I do, all it does is scare the hell out of me. Why is there such a thing? Why is there an invisible box full of people I care about, but I can’t get inside? Why do I let people love me, when I know I won’t let myself love them back? No matter how many excuses I or other people make for me, the truth is that I’m just a fucked up bitch who doesn’t know how to handle feelings. The worst part is those times where I really feel alone, like there’s no escape. Not even suicidal, because dying doesn’t feel enough. The feeling is more like I wish my brain didn’t exist at all, because nothing could make me care. I am self destruction, everything that happens to me is because of me, so the only person I can truly hate is myself. I’ve never thought I’d amount to anything. When I was little everyone would talk about what they wanted to be in the future, I would always just say “I don’t know” and everyone would tell me “that’s fine” and “you don’t have to know yet”. I think the truth is that I’ve just always known the only reason I was born was to die. Sometimes when I wake up, I just lay there… for hours. Not thinking, just listening to everything….. for anything. You know that thing I said earlier about the invisible box? I think I put myself on the outside, maybe because looking into the box helps me see all the problems circling around that no one else sees. But also maybe not. Truth is I’ve never truly understood my brain, but most of the time I feel I’m controlled by it, like a puppet on strings. The only thing I feel is my own choice, is choosing to hold on, and not fall like my brains telling me to. So no, I don’t have any answers for those who feel the same as me. But I wanted to let those people know, that at least you know one more person who doesn’t know how to deal.
I am the Sunflower 